Poser Predicts: GTA V
Welcome to Poser Predicts where I, Steve Poser, attempt to predict 5 things about something that hasn’t happened yet. Mostly I just ramble on and on while I try to talk myself into things. And I’m not going for the easy way out here. I’m not going to predict that Madden 2011 will have football in it or anything like that. We’ll keep a running tally of how poorly I’m doing along the way just so I can feel extra bad about myself. This being the first time we’ve done this, I am predictably 0-0. In this installment I will try to correctly predict 5 things about Grand Theft Auto V.
Prediction #1:
There was a lot of hype around what city Grand Theft Auto IV would be set in. In the end they ended up doing New York/Liberty City again, only they improved it in every way from GTA III. I have a feeling they are going to do the same thing again in GTA V. If they were to go in order, then we’d see Miami/Vice City again next, but I feel like that’s what those sneaky bastards want you to think. If they redo Los Angeles/ Los Santos there’s more ways to go with it. They could have missions involving celebrity scandals or smuggling Mexicans over the border (if you cheat the geography a little). Maybe even take some shots at Scientology. Plus there’s more landmarks and stuff in LA than Miami. You could bring someone out to the desert to kill them, which would be different. You could have an earthquake in the story, too.
POSER PREDICTS: GTA V will be set in Los Angeles/Los Santos.
Prediction #2:
Lately the GTA games seem to be getting away from using white American guys as their main characters. There was C.J. from San Andreas, the Chinatown Wars guy, Lance Vance’s brother, and whatever the fuck Niko Bellic was. What was he, Ukrainian? Whatever. So the overwhelming smart money is against a white guy. If the game is set in LA like I think it will be, then we might be looking at a Mexican guy. Perhaps an East LA gang type. We can rule out a woman, because then how would you go to strip clubs and pick up hookers? Going to a Chippendale’s is out of the question, I would think.
POSER PREDICTS: The main character in GTA V will be a young Mexican guy.
Prediction #3:
Water missions are usually fucking annoying, but you know there are going to be a few of them. They could potentially go with a pirate mission where you have to rob a boat. I feel like there’s going to be a yacht situation at some point. Either killing a rich guy on his yacht or just robbing it. There was something with a yacht in Vice City, but it wasn’t a big enough thing that people would be pissed if they did it again. Like if they said “Kill Salvatore Leone” again that would feel like a cop-out. The yacht also works whether it’s set in LA or Miami, so it’s making sense.
POSER PREDICTS: GTA V will feature a mission where you have to sink a yacht.
Prediction #4:
I feel like we’re going to see a new mode of transportation in the next GTA. It would make sense to have it be on the water since it sucks when you have to chase a guy in a boat and you can’t gain on him because boats are so fucking slow. How they don’t have jet skis yet is beyond me. If they can put a fucking jet pack in San Andreas they can do jet skis. That would make life so much easier and maybe then the boat missions wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass.
POSER PREDICTS: GTA V will have jet skis.
Prediction #5:
GTA has pushed a few buttons over the years in terms of content, so I feel like they’re going to drop something in there just to piss off all the pussies who crusade against video game violence. Have they done a suicide before? I don’t remember. Also, I’m not sure they’ve had a rape yet. In any other video game series I could say for certain that they’ve never had a rape scenario, but with GTA I have to think about it. Obviously they aren’t going to show either of those things on screen, but you could potentially walk in on a guy hanging in his closet or something. But I think there has to be a revenge angle to it, and if a guy kills himself you can’t really get revenge on anyone unless you kill him again. On the other hand I’m not sure even GTA is dark enough to go with a rape. You know what? They probably are.
POSER PREDICTS: GTA V will have a mission where you revenge-kill a guy who raped someone.
There it is. 5 predictions for GTA V, which hasn’t even officially been announced yet that I know of. It was kind of a downer at the end with all the rape talk, but such is the nature of the prediction business. Check back in, like, a year to see if I got any of these right. I’ll wait here while you mark your calendars. I’m feeling pretty good about the picks, although I can see them announcing that the game will be set in Germany or something and 4 of my guesses will be off the board immediately. See you next time, when I will once again embarrass myself by predicting 5 things about something I have no knowledge of.
- Poser
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